Jean-Claude Van Damme, as a movie star, is more known for his spinning kicks and splits than for his one-liners, which is a shame. Van Damme is not only insanely quotable in real life, he also holds his own on screen. Arnold may be the absolute king of quotes, but JCVD is not far behind. They both have great delivery, as well as an unmistakable accent, but Van Damme’s filmography was often made on a noticeably smaller budget. His career did not reach the same heights as other action stars, so his best moments have often been lost to time. So here’s a look at the most unforgettable lines ever uttered on screen by The Muscles from Brussels. If we all memorize them, maybe the man can ingrain his own “I’ll be back” into the collective consciousness.
“Hunting Season… Is Over.” - Hard Target
It is a law of action movies that every bad guy must hear a sarcastic barb or a well-placed quip before meeting their demise. Van Damme more than fills his quota in Hard Target, notably with this line he tells to Emil Fouchon, the main villain. It’s a great quote because it is simple, and yet it manages to recap the whole film with a simple sentence. It’s 97 minutes distilled into four words, followed by dropping a live grenade in a guy’s trousers. And somehow, it’s not the most ridiculous thing that happens in John Woo’s American debut.
“Wrong Bet.” - Lionheart
Abdel Qissi has built a solid career with his unique talent: He can believably kick JCVD’s butt, doing so in three different movies over the course of a decade. While their bout in The Quest is quite memorable, it’s Lionheart that initiated their pattern of Qissi having the upper hand to set up the underdog triumph by Van Damme. The catalyst to this comeback is his own friend reminding him that the situation is so dire that he even bet on the other guy winning. With two simple words, and a lot of kicks, Van Damme lets him know that it was a bad idea.
“Who Wants To Go Home? And Who Wants To Go With Me!” – Street Fighter
With his peculiar pronunciation and penchant for disjointed interviews, you wouldn’t think of Van Damme when it comes to delivering a good pep talk. And yet, when someone gives him the proper words, he’s able to be a convincing leader. It’s surprising that this speech, which could arguably be ranked just below Bill Pullman’s monologue from Independence Day, comes from the dreaded Street Fighter adaptation of all places. The whole speech is worth at least one watch, but by the time he says, “And who wants to go with me?”, most people would follow him all the way to Bison’s Castle.
“I’m Still Kicking! I Must Be On Broadway!” - Timecop
So this line does not look so good to those who have never seen Timecop, but it works beautifully as a callback and as a description of Van Damme’s main talent. McComb, the movie’s big bad, used his previous encounter with Van Damme’s Max Walker derides his “fancy kicking” by saying he’d be better off on Broadway. So when the time comes to get rid of McComb, what better than this line, followed by a well-placed kick? It’s just poetic justice.
“I Just Want To Eat.” - Universal Soldier
Leave it to Van Damme to take this simple statement and turn it into one of the funniest moments of the movie. His character of Luc, in Universal Soldier, finds himself hungry, confused, and unfortunately penniless in a diner. When the waitress figures out that there is no way he can pay for the feast, she summons the cook and a few of his friends to beat him up. When Van Damme surveys the carnage and tells the panicked waitress “I just want to eat”, it’s a cherry on top of this effective fight sundae, and a feeling we can all identify with.
“I’m The Parking Attendant. And You’re Bothering My Customers.” - Nowhere To Run
For those who have never seen Nowhere to Run, which is admittedly one of the lesser movies in Van Damme’s filmography, it’s worth noting that no, he does not play the world’s most dangerous parking attendant. But when a woman and her kids are being harassed by a bunch of bad guys while hiding in her pick-up truck, it does become a pretty solid introduction line. Sure, it becomes less and less intimidating the more you think about it, but it’s effective enough to confuse the bandits (and the audience) for a little while.
“Because Of My Big Legs, And Karate, I Can Do The Splits… No Problem!” - Double Impact
This line is included because it is the perfect summary of everything that defines Van Damme as an individual and an actor. In fact, the whole scene, is peak Van Damme. Between the outfit, the gratuitous butt shot, and the signature moves, you would only need to show these 30 seconds to a newcomer to make them understand what JCVD is all about. The rest of the movie is also notable because he tries to showcase his acting range by playing two brothers that are complete opposite personalities, and yet are both so quintessentially Van Damme.
“I Don’t Pay, I Don’t Punk!” - Death Warrant
Louis Burke is offered two choices by his cellmate to earn his bunk bed when he first enters prison in Death Warrant. The first one is obviously to pay for it. The second one is to “punk”. This option is helpfully defined as something that one might do on their hands and knees. When forced to make his decision with a knife to his throat, Burke quickly disarms his new acquaintance and explains that none of the options will do. Good for you, Van Damme! Don’t let that scrawny jailbird bully you.
“Have You Had Any Contact With The Aggressors?” “I killed Two, Is That Contact?” - Sudden Death
Sudden Death is also known as Van Damme’s try at making his own Die Hard, but inside of Pittsburgh’s old Civic Arena. The movies follow similar beats, so it’s a given that at one point, the agent in charge of the scene outside of the arena would get to speak with hero fireman Darren McCord. That’s when we get this exchange, which illustrates two things: McCord is a man of action, but he also underestimates himself. Yes, Darren, killing two guys counts as contact. That’s the kind of thing other people tend to notice. Now go out there and finish the job.
“It’s Stupid To Kill People… They Are So Beautiful.” - JCVD
If you truly want to get inside the mind of Jean-Claude Van Damme, look no further than his nearly 7 minutes soliloquy in the self-titled JCVD. The monologue, which was improvised by Van Damme, takes us through his entire career, his drug issues, and his many marriages. It manages to be both touching and incredibly obtuse at the same time, mostly because of Van Damme’s trademark enigmatic sentences. Near the end of his improv masterclass, he utters this sentence, which is so simple and innocent that it becomes graceful. For all the violence he has created on screen, Van Damme is a lover, not a fighter, and he wants us to know that.
