Films play a huge role in the world of The Simpsons. They give writers a shot to parody overused tropes in film or provide characters like Rainier Wolfcastle, Krusty the Clown and even Milhouse with ways to show off their acting chops.
Fictional films in The Simpsons range from comedic, to action-packed, to even the occasional erotic film. Sure, these films might not end up winning any Academy Awards or even be considered for the Criterion Collection, but these movies would make some serious bank if they were real. Here are ten fake movies seen on The Simpsons we would totally watch.
The Muppets Go Medieval
Ah, Troy McClure, we remember him from such films as Gladys the Groovy Mule, Good-Time Slim, Uncle Doobie, and the Great ‘Frisco Freak-Out’ and David versus Super Goliath. This adventure set in the fantastical world of Camelot was Troy McClure’s last film released theatrically.
Here, he teams up with everyone’s favorite group of signing puppets, The Muppets! It’s an adventure full of romance, betrayal and dastardly, washed-up actors falling for talking pigs. It also features a fight between McClure and Kermit that is absolutely hilarious. All in all day’s work for two leading men.
Roger Corman’s Titanic
Roger Corman is an American filmmaker who was most famous for his screen adaptations of Edgar Allen Poe’s stories. This send-up of James Cameron’s mega-hit Titanic has all the tension, graphic nudity and anachronisms one might expect from a B-movie. Thankfully, the film is complete with a monstrous Titanic ready to eat the leads.
Unfortunately, the conclusion isn’t known. Did the two lovers get devoured? Was Jack able to score with Rose? Hopefully, Corman gets back behind the camera to give audiences a proper conclusion to this lost at sea tale.
Everybody Poops
Boston comedian Denis Leary has not done that many movies lately and it’s kind of a bummer. His turn as the Constipated Gorilla in the adaptation of the children’s book of the same name was an entertaining one. Produced by Brian Grazer, Leary’s involvement was all a part of a prank thanks to Bart. Bart got a hold of the actor’s phone and all hell broke loose.
Still, he channels a lot of classically trained actors to deliver a confident performance here. Knowing Disney, it’s more likely than not that a big-budget film based on this story is in the works.
Death Wish IX
If seeing Bruce Willis play an angry white guy shooting poor people in Chicago does not sound fun then maybe going back to a classic is exactly what we need. Death Wish IX stars Death Wish veteran as an aging version of his famous character Paul Kersey. Instead of killing hoodlums or taking on the dangers of society, he is bed-ridden.
What makes this movie much more compelling though is Kersey quietly telling himself “I wish I was dead.” Some powerful writing coupled with an excellent commentary on the state of vigilantism makes this a classic.
Condiments
Pixar dominates the animated awards scene, with high-rated films such as Wall-E, Up, Toy Story 3 and others making end-year lists and taking home trophies. They are a veteran of success and The Simpsons’ parody of them is perfect. Condiments is a short film about a bunch of condiments in the kitchen trying to avoid being seen by humans created by the team at the frictional Mixar.
Featuring a bunch of references to Pixar’s mega-successful Toy Story franchise, Condiments seems like the perfect short to watch before the feature presentation.
Cards
As mentioned earlier, Pixar is perfect family entertainment but what about a movie for those who prefer their cartoons to spout cultural references? Dreamworks’ Cards is a 2005 animated film about the life of playing cards. Starring Eddie Murphy as a smooth-talking and quip-heavy Jack-of-Clubs and a Five-of-Diamonds card that sounds exactly like Jackie Mason (who would voice Krusty’s dad on several episodes of the show).
Also, no film is complete without an obligatory impression of Jack Nicholson’s character from A Few Good Men. Cards is definitely a full house when it comes to laughs.
McBain: Let’s Get Silly
It’s hard for an action star to dive into comedy. All the subtlety, timing and suspension of disbelief is all gone with nothing left but bad jokes and awkward acting. Rainier Wolfcastle stars in another one film in the long-running McBain series, this time, instead of chasing down Mendoza, he’s cracking a few jokes.
Tackling subjects like leaving the toilet seat up and a hilarious Woody Allen impression (in which he says “I’m a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls”) don’t win the crowd over. Thankfully, he silences his hecklers with tons of firepower. Hey, some people can’t take a joke.
McBain
There’s no beating a classic. The first McBain film sees Rainier Wolfcastle’s most famous character following a case to find Senator Mendoza (a running gag in The Simpsons meme community). What’s interesting about this fictional film is that its storyline is present in multiple episodes. Individual clips from the movie have appeared in different episodes and make up a complete story.
Fans of films like Commando, Tango and Cash, Rambo and other machismo action films starring buff dudes with machine guns will find a lot to like about McBain. McBain’s partner Skoey will be missed though.
Pukahontas
Barney Gumble’s turn as an auteur is an unforgettable one. It’s a tour-de-force for the local drunk, as he gets a chance to make his version of Koyaanisqatsi with this tragic look at his life.
Barney’s film is in stark black-and-white, with some excellent camera angles, artful editing and one of the most tragic lines in film history (“Don’t cry for me, I’m already dead”). Extremely powerful stuff from one of the most complicated citizens of Springfield. It was well-deserving of Jay Sherman’s praise and the victory of Springfield’s first film festival.
Man Getting Hit by Football
If this were American’s Funniest Home Videos, this would deserve the $10,000. Hans Moleman is the unluckiest man in Springfield. For every awful thing that’s happened to him, he still managed to put out a delightful film.
Man Getting Hit By Football proves that sometimes, the most simple things in the world are the best. In it, Moleman gets hit with a football in the groin, possibly as some larger commentary on how the world has treated him. Worth noting, it was also remade with George C. Scott, for which it won an Oscar, beating out Mr. Burns’s film.